10 Reasons Why Nickelback is the Worst Band of All Time
This is how you remind me . . . of how horrible you really are
Nickelback is the worst band of all time. This is a fact. I mean, sure, we can all agree they aren't technically as bad as these guys, but I don't have to listen to those guys every day on my way to work. I don't have to try and coexist with their fans. I don't have to change channels at halftime on Thanksgiving to avoid them. I don't have to see their bad hair at the Grammys. The only reason Nickelback should ever be played is in the case of a Zombie Apocalypse, in which case they can be played at full volume to repel waves of the undead (if survival is really worth putting your ears through that).
What have they been rewarded for being the worst band of all time? Since 2001, they've sold more than 15.5 million records. On top of that, they've were the most-played band in the U.S. last year, with a song played every 30 seconds on any given radio station. Which just goes to prove there is no hope for humanity.
This doesn't mean that they are good. Just because Busch beer makes millions off poor, white trash doesn't make it good beer, does it?
Why is Nickelback the worst band ever? Why are they the most hated band? Why should you not buy their new album?
Here's the list of ten reasons I hope to answer those questions:
10. They wrote the song “Something in Your Mouth.” (you're so much cooler when you leave it in your mouth/'cuz you look so much cuter with something in your mouth)
9. A pickle got more fans than them on Facebook in a matter of weeks: http://pickleback.webs.com/
8. They get boo’d off stage and have rocks thrown at them. Granted, this was a crowd of Portuguese metal heads, but if these people can tell Nickelback is terrible, what is that saying about the Nickelback fans?
7. They wrote the song “Sex” (sex is always the answer, never a question)
6. Besides being an over-compressed, over-rated band with no dynamic range and a fan base consisting of 20 year old males with an affinity towards Vin Deisel movies, they also rip off music. The problem is . . . they rip off music from themselves. Come on guys . . . real rockstars rip off their music from other musicians. A fan uncovered that two of their songs sounded quite a lot alike (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4258547). Probably because those two songs are the same. Check it out:
5. Their songwriting in general. Every song sounds exactly the same. If you can get past the overly-distorted guitars that only play power chords, gravel-vocals that sound like constipation and a mash of buzzing mediocrity to actually listen to the lyrics all you'll find are recycled, immature themes and rhyme schemes. Look at the rhyme scheme in the song "Photograph:"
photograph/laugh
red/head
up/up
workout/out
. . .
door/floor
door/for
4. Look at the critics! This isn't a very convincing argument, I know. But when you google a great band, you simply don't get thousands of pages of why that band is THE WORST band of all time (check out Urban Dictionary definitions of 'Nickelback' for a fun time). Let's face it, would you pay good money to see a low-rated movie that consistently gets criticized as being the "Worst Movie of All Time"? Probably not. Unless it's the Fast and Furious (which ironically has the same fan base as Nickelback). Word Magazine readers voted Nickelback the "Worst Band of All Time" by a landslide. The Vancouver Sun described Nickelback as one of the most despised bands in the world. The Los Angeles Times wrote, "Nickelback's music isn't for hipsters or the illuminati. It's for people who don't want to have to think."
and here are just a few reviews of the band over the past decade:
Silverside Up (2001): "if you're looking for originality, you might want a full refund instead of a Nickelback"––Rolling Stone
The Long Road (2003): "Brazenly consistent, if unimaginative." ––Rolling Stone
The Long Road (2003): "Nickelback can now afford a little more time in the studio and a little more time to indulge themselves, and they turn out the same record, only slicker, which only highlights just how oppressively and needlessly sullen this group is." ––Allmusic
All The Right Reasons (2005): "All the Right Reasons is so depressing, you're almost glad Kurt's not around to hear it." ––Rolling Stone
All The Right Reasons (2005): "Like all Nickelback releases before it, All The Right Reasons was made for all the wrong ones and follows all the formulas and cliche's you should be bored to death of by now."––Tiny Mix Tapes
Dark Horse (2008): "Nickelback are a gnarled, vulgar band reveling in their ignorance of the very notion of taste, lacking either the smarts or savvy to wallow in bad taste so they just get ugly, knocking out knuckle-dragging riffs that seem rarefied in comparison to their thick, boneheaded words."––Allmusic
3. A recent petition to stop Nickelback from playing this Thanksgiving at the Detroit halftime show has received well over 50,000 signatures. The change.org petition states, "this game is nationally televised, do we really want the rest of the US to associate Detroit with Nickelback? Detroit is home to so many great musicians and they chose Nickelback?!?!?!"
2. Possibly the easiest, most surface-level answer to this question is the fans. Nickelback has single-handedly caused a pandemic of doucheness. It has taken over and created the 21rst century tool. You know the type. They’re the guys who get the Chinese symbol for “Bro” tattooed on their bodies. They’re the guys who pay $9 to watch Michael Bay movies. They’re the guys who wear Affliction t-shirts. And they’re all around us . . .
1. The #1 reason Nickelback is the WORST band of all time? This guy:
In 2008, Chad Kroeger was awarded the "Douche Bag of the Year Award" by the Guardian because he is a, "Self-important drunk driver and propagator of the worst music ever. With bad hair."
Well there you have it. Despite the fact that we all know the words to "How You Remind Me," it's not 2001 anymore. Let's stop giving this painfully generic, highly overrated band another multi-million dollar paycheck. It would make my commute to work much more pleasant.
In 2008, Chad Kroeger was awarded the "Douche Bag of the Year Award" by the Guardian because he is a, "Self-important drunk driver and propagator of the worst music ever. With bad hair."
Well there you have it. Despite the fact that we all know the words to "How You Remind Me," it's not 2001 anymore. Let's stop giving this painfully generic, highly overrated band another multi-million dollar paycheck. It would make my commute to work much more pleasant.
